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Loose Ends: Reasons I May Be Eating Right Now

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I was craving this snack. Also, Mercury is in retrograde.

By Julia Shiplett

May 12, 2018CreditIllustrations by Aisha Franz

I’m hungry.

I’m bored.

I’m stressed.

This food is delicious.

This food is fine.

I was craving this food.

I’ve never tried this food before.

I can’t remember if I’ve ever tried this food before.

This food is not very good, but it’s here.

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Someone took the time to make this food, and it would be rude not to have some.

Someone spent money to buy this food, and it would be rude not to have some.

Everyone around me is eating.

Everyone around me is done eating, but there is still food left.

My blood sugar feels a little low.

I drank too much coffee.

I’m happy.

I’m depressed.

My friend is happy, and I don’t want to make her eat alone.

My friend is depressed, and I don’t want to make him eat alone.

I just ate something salty and now I want something sweet.

I just ate something sweet and now I want something salty.

I’m a little drunk.

I’m a little stoned.

I’m very drunk.

I’m very stoned.

I don’t know what else to do at this party.

I don’t know what else to do at this meeting.

I don’t know what else to do at this wedding.

I don’t know what else to do at this bris.

This food smells good.

This food smells kind of weird, but maybe I’m being too judgmental.

I don’t know when I’ll have time to eat later.

I don’t have any groceries at home.

I don’t want to eat any of my groceries at home.

I’m watching a cooking show.

I’m watching a food video on Instagram.

I once watched a documentary about food waste and don’t want to contribute to the problem.

It’s breakfast time.

It’s lunchtime.

It’s afternoon snack time.

It’s second afternoon snack time.

It’s dinnertime.

It’s dessert time.

It’s nighttime snack time, not to be confused with dessert time.

An unknown number is calling me.

My birthday is coming up.

I think I just rolled my ankle.

Mercury is in retrograde.

The printer isn’t working.

Donald Trump.

Julia Shiplett is a comedian and writer in New York.

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