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Can Someone Donate A Shit For Me To Give About The Royal Wedding?

  • Respect (0%)
  • Funny (0%)
  • Disappointment (0%)
  • Anger (0%)
  • Stress (0%)
  • Whatever (0%)

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry attend the Women’s Empowerment reception hosted by Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson during the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting at the Royal Aeronautical Society on April 19, 2018 in London, England. Photo: Chris Jackson (Getty Images)

I remember exactly where I was when the news broke that Meghan Markle would become a member of the British Royal Family. It was like a dream. My head and heart were immediately consumed with so many competing thoughts and feelings, such as:

Who the hell is Meghan Markle?
Stop playing. There’s a black woman named Meghan?
What the hell is this TV show Suits that you say she’s in?
The USA Network is still around?
Which one is Prince Harry again? Is he the one who wore the Nazi uniform or the other one?
Seriously, there’s a black woman named Meghan?

But as we draw closer to the royal wedding, everyone else seems to be very excited about the upcoming nuptials while I’m just sitting here trying hard to care about it. I know it’s big news, but I can’t figure out why, for one simple reason:

I don’t give a shit.

During our staff meeting at The Root, when we were asked about ideas for covering this blessed event, the room fell silent. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one. After the long pause, someone thankfully spoke up when Deputy Managing Editor Yesha Callahan bravely said:

“Mike will write something!”

[Editor’s note: This is a goddamn lie, I probably hung up from the call 2 minutes after it started.]


So I was hoping that one of you could help me give a shit about all of this. Not a literal shit like that white woman who took a dump on the floor of that restaurant in the viral video, but a metaphorical shit. A rhetorical shit, if you will.

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To be fair, I am not too familiar with the royal family because I’m black. The only Prince we acknowledge is Prince Rogers Nelson.


Plus, if Harry is sixth in the line of succession, is he really a prince?


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